Tom was right there and he rubbed my back and encouraged me. Hearing is voice and having his touch was absolutely everything. He was right in my ear reminding me that every single contraction I made it through brought us closer to the delivery. He’d be here so soon.
Not long after I got in the tub, at 9:10am, my midwife Karen came back in to check me.
I couldn’t believe the way things had progressed. Was it really almost time to push?
At this point though, my water bag was still in tact. Karen asked if she could rupture it and I agreed.
As she turned around to get ready, I was hit with a contraction that took my breath away. Right in the middle of it I felt a burst.
I watched as a speckled yellow cloud made it’s way through the water around me. I couldn’t talk because my contraction was so strong. Tom didn’t say anything either because he thought maybe I had peed and he didn’t want to bring it any attention. (So thoughtful, isn’t he? :])
Finally, my contraction ended and I was able to get the words out — “I think my water just broke!”
Indeed it had!
As soon as Karen saw the water, she advised the team to get the bed ready. There was meconium — baby had pooped — in the amniotic fluid and now it was in the water. This is one of the only reasons they have you get out of the birthing tub to deliver baby.
Tom held me as I made my way back to the bed.
At this point I wasn’t upset about leaving the water. It did what it needed to — I was to the point of no return and the only thing left do to now was bring this boy into the world.
I got to the bed at 9:37am. At this point I was feeling it all and let me tell you, it was painful. I bounced back and forth between determined and focused and scared and doubtful. The encouragement from the room (Tom, nurses & midwife) really kept me going.
At 9:50am my cousin Danielle arrived to root me on, too. Oh man did I need it. I was just given the green light to begin pushing. I remember saying “Nooooo.” though my contractions, and I know there was a point when I “hit the wall.”
I felt a contraction coming on and I didn’t even want to push. I wanted to be done. It hurt. I felt like I was never going to get through it. I wanted so badly to stop. I was filled with resistance and pain.
As much as I wanted to stop though, I could feel my body continuing on. It was doing it, with or without me.
During my next little break between contractions, I got SUPER focused, super determined. I had to. I remember thinking the only way out of this is through. I had gone too far to turn around and it’s so close to the end. My nurse and midwife recalled this moment with me after the birth because they both saw the shift. This change was everything I needed in the moment, and it felt very spiritual.
It was time to push again but this time around I seriously gave it everything I had. Everyone, in unison, cheered, “PUSH!!!” And boy did I push. I gripped my legs with more power than I knew I had and every single bit of my body was alert and working. It truly felt like I was trying to push myself inside out.
One more contraction coming and my God did I push. Then I felt it. I felt him leave my body.
I did it. He was here.
At 10:01am they lifted up my son and placed him on my chest. Everything was in slow motion. Seeing his face, his little body.. he was so tiny and instantly I thought, “he’s perfect.”