Searching for the Answer

"I would seriously cut off my pinky toe for some alone time. Seriously. Even just TWO DAYS." I dramatically whine to my husband over the phone.

He's about half way through his work trip on the East Coast and he's homesick for his family.

I see him there, staying at a nice hotel in DC, and I'm not going to lie, I'm jealous.

He wakes up, works out, gets a coffee, heads to the conference where he discusses important things with important people (adult conversations!) and gets to eat a tasty dinner at a lively restaurant before bed.

Damn right I'm jealous!

I've been stuck in an endless cycle of feeding baby, changing diapers, picking up dog poop while trying to keep up with the house.

It's been over a month since I've been anywhere without my 9 month old.

Now here's where things get funny.

My husband, well, you see, he's jealous.

He misses his boys and his wife. He see's my snaps of our son trying to walk and talk. As we FaceTime Thomas George is learning to clap and giggles while I kiss his toes. I tell Tom how intense his son's determination is as he tries to swim in the pool and we laugh, Finn nuzzled on my lap.

All he wants is his family.
All I want is some space.

FREAKIN' LIFE RIGHT.

So it got me thinking about always wanting what we can't have, the whole grass is always greener thing.

I'll never forget a Tony Robbins video I watched years ago, I'll do my best to paraphrase, he said that the biggest source of unhappiness is being in one place (location or situation) and wanting to be somewhere else.

Oh goodness, I can be so guilty of this. For someone who has studied mindful living and who has spent hours on a Yoga mat, you think I'd have a better handle on it. Patience is not my strong point and it's something I'll be working on until the end of time.

And, yes, it's good to have dreams and direction for what you want out of life and of course there are certain situations that should be left promptly... but generally speaking, living outside of the now can surely rob you from being happy.

There's got to be a healthy balance and I suppose since I'm writing this post I should offer up some sort of advice but this is something I'm still figuring out. An answer that I'm still searching for.

Is the key to happiness presence or gratitude?
Is acceptance the answer?

Maybe it's.... perspective.

I'm not sure right now. All I do know is that all we can do is our best and we've just got to keep truckin' no matter what. We've got to be grateful for what we do have because when you stop to really think about it, it's a lot.

Let's Be Honest -- Life's Not Perfect, But It Is Amazing

I was talking with my sister the other day about the positives and negatives of social media. 

We discussed how being connected is such a powerful way to share your life with friends and family near and far. We also talked about how it can sometimes make you feel like total shitty shit. 

I'm so easily inspired -- I love to be. I love to see what is out there and dream. Seeing people doing cool things in cool places. Social is highlight of their lives and it's awesome -- most of the time.

There are just some days, when I'm in a mood, and I start scrolling to see these beautiful, perfect images and instantly my mind begins --

"Gosh, I need to quit being such a home body and get out more."
"Well look at that mama all fit -- I really should make some more time to work out -- got to make more time to work out."
"Ah, why aren't we traveling more. Why does it feel so hard to travel with a baby -- maybe I'm doing something wrong."

Just as I'm about to put my phone down someone that I greatly admire shares a glimpse of their imperfection and it's just a sigh of relief. Ok, yes, we all struggle sometimes. It's a quick reminder that perfection doesn't exist.

I know that I too mostly share the highlights. For me, I think -- I'd just rather focus on the good. The last thing I want to do is fill my feed with all the struggles. 

But I'm going to get honest with you here.

There've been times I've posted a photo praising my husband for being incredible (he is!) and that same night we get into a heated argument that has me storming around the house.

I've posted a photo of my son, calling him the cutest darn thing in the whole world (he is!) to find myself hours later in tears because he's going on 45 minutes of crying and I just need a break.

I have days where I get shit on, like actually, literally shit on.
Days where I shatter a baby food jar on the kitchen floor before 7am.
Times when I don't even actually know what day it is, or when the last time I showered.
I lose my temper, I feel inadequate and man there are times I feel so blue about the world.

Yet, big picture, I have a beautiful life. Sometimes I sit out on the lanai, looking up at the moon and wondering how on earth I got so lucky to be living this glorious existence.
My family -- they're all so darn amazing -- Hawaii, a dream -- we're healthy and my goodness what is greater than that?

Any and all of the love that oozes out of me into my posts IS SO REAL and that is the part of my life that I wish to document -- it's those moments that inspire my images and words.

It's a fine balance though, I suppose, and honestly, it's up to each of us to decide how much we want to share. We get to choose how we want to use our own personal platforms, the type of content we share and why. 

Just remember though, next time that you're scrolling away and find yourself feeling maybe a little bit like shitty shit, that we're all human. These little squares and stories are glimpses into our lives, but not the whole picture.
I know this truth, you know this truth, it's just easy to forget sometimes.

Life's not perfect, no -- but it is, absolutely amazing.

Thank you guys so much for listening and you'll be hearing from me again next month!

Second Trimester -- Pregnancy Diary Part 4

19 weeks, just about 1/2 way there! 

Throughout the first trimester, I felt like... total shitty shit. Everyone said I would start feeling better once we reached the second trimester.
So as week 12 approached I got excited.. I was SO ready to feel good again!

- Week 12 came and went... so did week 13 and 14. I was still nauseous and could barely eat.
Finally as I hit week 15, I began to feel like a human again. What a relief... I was really starting to worry... and I just really missed FOOD.

- We decided to wait until the second trimester to tell the world, I have to admit, I was so excited for this. I couldn't WAIT to share that we were having a baby... to tell friends near and far. That'll always be the most fun for me.

- As for my energy level, I was still tired... a lot... BUT like they say, I did have bursts of energy from 15 weeks on - mainly in the morning - which was really nice and much needed. 

- I touched my stomach. A lot. My hands were always resting on my growing belly and I thought about being pregnant, ALL DAY LONG. It went a little something like this -- "I am pregnant. I'm going to have a BABY. I am growing a human, in my womb, right now. Amazing. Unbelievable. A baby."

- We had been living in a studio since we moved to Hawaii in 2015. It was perfect for the two of us and we never really needed more space... until now! We moved from our studio to a two bedroom during the second trimester. Hubs had quiet the workload but I was definitely helping out as best I could. We were really just happy to get into something a big bigger as we were expecting a lot of visitors once baby arrived!

- The beginning of the bump! My belly was growing. By the middle of the second trimester, there was no mistaken, I was a pregnant lady!

- We still hadn't purchased anything for baby yet. We were starting to receive gifts though. Little did I know that was just the beginning!

- GENDER REVEAL!! I kept going back and forth. I really thought it was a girl but could only picture a baby boy. Tom always thought it was a boy. 
We did our big gender reveal party during the second trimester.. it was SO FUN! I wanted a girl and I wanted a boy so I knew I'd be happy either way.
Auntie Coco took the envelope, she was the first person to know the sex! She filled a big black balloon with confetti and we all gathered at mom and dads house. The anticipation was nuts!
Watching Tom throw a fist pump into the air when we were showered in blue will not be something I'll forget. We began connecting with baby in a new way, it's a BOY!!!

- Oh the boobs. The boobs continued to grow during the second trimester and I really LOVE them. :D

- Water. I'm drinking all the water all day, everyday. I read something early on saying that the more water you drink the better and healthier your pregnancy will be -- so I went full steam ahead with hydroflask after hydroflask. I'm currently skipping all coffee and I'm the weird pregnant lady that doesn't miss alcohol in the least bit. 

- NAMES! It was nice being able to focus on boy names. Naming a baby isn't easy. We started throwing ideas around but hadn't decided full on anything yet. 

- I'm still the nap queen, not big into exercise. I could seriously sleep all day and wonder often how people have a second child? How do you care for a baby and grow another baby? My bed is my best friend and I sleep a lot. 

- The round ligament pain started in the first trimester and revved up good in the second trimester... what a weird feeling!! Amazed at my changing and shifting body -- it truly is a miracle!

- I really expected to feel baby move week 14/15 and waited patiently for him to do so... and nothing. I thought way too much but couldn't really tell if it *was* a movement or if it was just in my head. By week 20 there was no mistaken.. I have a boxing son in my belly and once he started really moving, he didn't stop. To me it felt like little bubbles or tiny tapping... tap, tap, tap. I love it. This is one of my favorite parts!

- I've always heard people complain about others touching their belly.. I didn't mind in the least bit! I loved letting people touch my belly and feel for baby. For the most part baby kicked and moved until someone placed their hand on my stomach, then he stopped. Almost every time but I let everyone try! He loves moving for daddy though!!

- I inspected my stomach every single week for stretch marks, nothing yet!

- At week 24 I bought my first maternity clothes. I just went to target and got a couple cute dresses and a couple ugly dresses. I wish I wouldn't have waited so long! Maternity clothes felt so much better!

- Pretty much went to bed at 8:30 every night. Sometimes 9 if we were feelin' pretty wild. Pregnancy makes you crazy! LOL

- I've been eating pretty healthy but I really really love my dark chocolate salted carmel bar from Whole Foods. I keep it in the freezer and eat one square to a half a bar every single day. No one says anything about it when you're pregnant -- might as well eat it UP.

- Once I hit that 25 week mark I really started feeling big. Toward the end of my second trimester I couldn't sleep on my belly anymore. It's one of worst things about being pregnant for me! Having to sleep on my side and heave myself in and out of bed. OY.

- We still hadn't set up a nursery at all or purchased anything for baby. We weren't too worried about it... which looking back makes me laugh! What were we doing? LOL

- After doing a lot of reading, I started writing up my birth plan during the second trimester. 

- I had my gestational diabetes test and passed. Thank goodness. I wasn't a fan of drinking that crap but I did it and it's done. Good deal.

- At the end of week 27 I had gained 13 lbs. since my first appointment. I was surprised I didn't gain more because my body had changed so much. Tom said I just lost all my muscle... what a stinker. 

Baby is the size of a: PEACH
Length & weight: 8 3/4 in. & 1.5 lbs.
Mama's cravings: Didn't crave specific foods -- just warm and cold things. Still not the biggest appetite but it's slowly coming back!
Weight update: Gained 13 lbs. so far!
We're feeling: BIG. Excited. The half way point is so freaky, it gets more and more real! 
Highlight of the first trimester: Getting to share with the world and of course, finding out we had a boy on the way!
Energy levels: Still a slug for the most part but starting to do some walking!
Habits: Still doing my legs up the wall every night... continuing with the prenatal vitamin. Keeping a weekly journal about all the changes. Early to sleep. Lots of water. 

Today I Turn 30

Today I turn 30 years old.

It's wild, really.

What a decade.
A wonderful, challenging and adventurous decade.

If I had to describe the past 10 years of my life with one word it would be discovery.

I've changed and evolved so much as a person. Grown, I suppose.

Not to get all groovy right away but when you think about it, honestly, getting older is such a gift. As I reach this significant age I don't feel worried or sad, regretful or upset. I actually feel quite the opposite. I'm excited -- ready -- it feels so fresh to me! Kind of like getting to start a new.

A brand new chapter.

As I think about the last 10 years, all the big stuff comes to mind. The highlights.

- The first thing, for sure, always -- the people. So many amazing people have shaped these years and honestly made them worth living. Strangers that have become family. My nut farm and friends, co-workers and acquaintances -- all of these relationships that have come to be with a little twist of fate. I appreciate and love them all more than anything else.
- The 8 different cities across 5 states (Minnesota, Nevada, Arizona, Texas and Hawaii) -- I've moved 14 times and we're making that 15th move in 2 days!
- An engagement and and a marriage. Something I never thought I'd do. (Love you more than anything, Tom!)
- I grew and birthed the cutest darn human alive, Thomas George. He's everything.
- When it comes to my job, I've lived many different lives. I've stood at the desk of Four Seasons, in the OR during surgery and behind the bar serving drinks. I've provided massage, cut hair and answered phones. Big companies like Zappos and Stryker to small offices and Yoga studios. I've been a cashier at Whole Foods and have spent so much time at the front desk I could do it with my eyes closed.
The hardest, most fulfilling position I've ever had though, is my current gig: full time MOM.
- I've traveled. My heart just wells up writing this because I love it so much. From New York to Colorado, Japan to Italy and a lot of places in between. I really really hope this is just the beginning!
- I quit smoking! (Honestly, I'm so proud of this).. and come to think of it, I stopped drinking too and that's been good for me right now.
- I had a pretty intense bucket list and for a big chunk of my early twenties I chipped away at it. Things like sky diving, surfing and learning how to wakeskate. I checked off some must see concerts like Jack Johnson, Jason Mraz, Bob Dylan, Tori Amos, Rebelution and the one and only Stevie Nicks. I ran a half-marathon, did a Ragnar Relay and lived in a yurt. I've taken a million and one classes on a million and one subjects and don't plan on stopping that anytime soon!

I'm sort of done with having a bucket list BUT I'll definitely stay curious and continue to try new things.

It's so fun to reflect on the highlights but they aren't all that made my 20s. 

As think about it, some tough stuff comes to mind too. Would these be considered the lowlights?

All those moves and changes were exciting, but not always easy! Moving can suck. No other way to put it.
- In the past decade I've been broke, I've been lonely and I've been homesick. (Seriously)
- At one point, during my mid-twenties, I had stage three adrenal fatigue. Once I found out what was going on it took me well over a year to fully recover. That was by far the most challenging thing I've ever been through.
- When you change jobs like some people change their underwear you can feel a little bit like a failure. I felt it, I felt it a lot and often pondered what on earth I was doing with my life. (Still do wonder, just minus the failure part.)
- Speaking of failure... I failed. A lot. I had many ventures and ideas that just never saw fruition. I spent a lot of time and I spent a lot of money that ultimately felt wasted. (If you learn something, nothing is wasted, btw.)
- Lastly, I swear to you, I was my own worst critic. During my early 20s, I never felt smart enough or pretty enough or flexible enough or rich enough blah blah blah etc. etc. --  Oh my goodness, that is, by far, the greatest part of heading into my 30s. I feel so confident, or maybe it's that I just don't care what people think as much -- either way, it's freeing.

I hope in 10 years when I'm 40, I'm still blogging and taking pictures -- documenting life as a mom and wife, creative and traveler. 

It's an empty slate and I don't need a wild life to fill it.
Just family, friends and an awareness of the beauty in every small moment.

Photograph by Jessica Holleque

---

20s vs. 30s -- Ten Things

1. Bedtime, anything past midnight >> 8:30... 9 if it's a wild night!

2. Grey hair! Dudes, I have grey hair. What is going on.

3. I seriously watch so much HGTV it's not even funny.

4. Bye thongs. Adios! Au revoir! Ciao!

5. My phone has morphed from party pictures to baby pictures. So. Many. Baby. Pictures.

6. Hair. Nails. Makeup. >> Mom pony. Little chapstick.

7. Anywhere but Minnesota, anywhere. >> Minnesota is, hands down, my favorite place to be!

8. Swimsuit - Itsy bitsy teenie weenie >> full coverage mom suit. I like it, that's the thing!

9. Self conscious >> Kinda just don't give a bleep

10. My parents don't get it >> My parents know everything

Priceless Moments // Photos by Jessica Holleque

Everyone always tells you how fast time goes once you have a baby.

I remember towards the end of my pregnancy the days felt so incredibly long. It was like I was going to be pregnant forever and all I wanted to do was meet him.

Then he arrived and the first three months of his life felt even longer. The endless cycle of nurse, change, eat, sleep, repeat.

And then BOOM, just like that, he turned 6-months old.

My pregnancy had come and gone. Those first few months, a memory.

Deep down I know every moment is fleeting.

I know that my 6-month old will soon be one year, then he'll be two and before I know it he'll be starting school.

We have a lot of living to do from now until then and I know it's going to go fast. 

That's why I am so determined to document our life.

I can't hold on forever but with these photos come memories that will last a lifetime.

---

Jessica is an incredible photographer. I've been a fan of her work for a long time. There's so much truth and aliveness to her photos. Once I had Thomas George, I knew we had to get on the other side of her camera.

It's wild because I've actually known Jessica since we were really young. Our mothers were close friends while we were growing up and her family is sprinkled in many of my earliest memories. How cool for us to be reconnecting in this way!

My sister Leah and niece Coco joined us for a warm summer evening in St. Paul, Minnesota. Our babes did so good during the entire session and our images turned out better than I could have imagined. Honestly, I can't wait to do this again.. next time with the hubby too!

As things change and our children grow, I will truly treasure each moment -- precious and priceless.

All photographs taken by Jessica Holleque.
You can find more of her work below: 
Facebook | Instagram | Web

Thomas George // 7-months-old

Tom George turns 7 months old tomorrow.

Gosh he's changed so much this month.

He's crawling on all fours, he got his two bottom teeth, he pulls himself up every possibly moment he can, sits up like he's been doing it for ages and he loves to eat.

The sun starting to creep into the bedroom early yesterday morning. As the light flooded our room I ran to grab my camera. This boy was crazy on the move and it wasn't even 7am yet!

Too early, mom.

My absolute favorite part of the day is going to get Mr. happy boy after he wakes up. He is SILLY and he knows it. We play for a good 20 minutes before we leave his room. I sing, I roll, we peek-a-boo, I dance...  anything to make him laugh. His laugh is everything.

Since he started to pull himself up last week, every time I go in his room, he's standing... and he's proud of it!

Two bottom teeth! 

Raspberries at mom!

Oh my curious little muffin. So interested... fascinated by the world around him. He has to touch, taste and ok I'll be honest, destroy everything he touches. He wants to make noise, reach up to the top shelf, and play with anything that isn't really a toy. 

I love the way his eyebrows go down when he is concentrating hard. The way he raises them when mom is being silly. The way he smile grins when his daddy gets home from work... and the best is that cute little laugh he does when he sees the jar of food.

Thomas George.

We are so proud of you.

July 2017 // Trip to Minnesota

I grew up in a small town north of Duluth. I love my family but couldn't wait to get out of there.
The month after I graduated high school, I left, determined to live anywhere else.

It's funny what 10 years will do. 

Minnesota, the Iron Range particularly, is my absolute favorite place in the whole world. No matter where I go or what I do it'll always be home.

July in Minnesota is perfect*. Everywhere is buzzing with that summertime energy. It's cool at night, warm during the day and the days are gloriously long. 

We arrived the very end of June and Tom and I hit the ground running. We were visiting family and friends every single day! Tom was only there for 10 days and we had a lot of people to see and  a lot of things to do!

*Yes, I write this acting like mosquitos do not exist.

I had so much fun playing with my camera while we were home. I tried my best to take it out as often as I could and I'm so grateful for the moments that I captured along withe the incredible moments that I'll only have in my memory.

Time with all the grandparents...the best. My mom and dad, Tom's mom and stepdad, Tom's dad and stepmom, grandma and grandpa Briski. The time spent with my sisters; Leah, Coco, Angeline, Danielle.. my little squishy Coco Mae head and my nephews Brandon and Owen. My aunts, uncles, cousins and friends that I actually got to spend time with! AMAZING! So amazing.. 

The baby showers, weddings, baseball games, parades, lake days, shopping days, breakfast dates, hair cuts, lunch dates, co-op runs, Tommy's tri, CHIPOTLE and an awesome trip to Lakeville.

These are the best moments. The moments I live for. They are busy and crazy but there is help and love and lots and lots of laughter. These are the moments that are most important. Time with family.

I got to spend the entire month of July in the midwest. How incredible is that?

The day my parents dropped me off at the Duluth airport to head home - I cried. I cried because I had the best month. I cried because how darn lucky was I to be able to do that? I cried because I missed my husband and Finn so darn much and I finally allowed myself to feel it. 

Things aren't perfect, gosh no, but I am one incredibly blessed mama.

I live a life that can never, ever be taken for granted.